A Wounded Soul Redmane lays bare the horror that was her life before arriving in Mirari.

Abandoned Home
The house itself was once many stories, but the upper level has long since collapsed and the former stairwell is full of rubble. There are no decorations on the bare white walls and the windows have been long since boarded over. The pack has put a few animal-skin rugs lie on the floors and a rough pile of hay covered with tanned hide to make a makeshift mattress. There is also a small fireplace embedded in one wall. A fire burns dimly in it.

Shortly after the bath, Thomas and Redmane were shown to one of the few buildings still usable as a home where they could rest and recover from the trials of the day. The next few hours, though, were not exactly spent resting ... more spent finding peace between two that would have been enemies at one time. Now, though, the pair are resting in the roughly made bed, cloaks and skins pulled up to act as covers and push away the chill of the air.

Holding Thomas close to her, Redmane shudders and cries - and a new tension builds in her, as if there's more dammed up and waiting to burst out.

For the moment, Thomas remains quiet and just lets the woman cry. His usual questioning is replaced by a simple stroking of her fiery hair as if trying to assure her she's safe.

Her face contorts with the effort of holding back, but it doesn't last: Redmane begins to sob openly - almost violently - to the point where she's close to choking.

The gentle stroking on Redmane's neck continues. "You've never been shown much kindness, have you?" he finally asks, voice quiet and gentle; none of the usual edge of amusement or teasing that it usually carries.

"Just.. by one person," Redmane whispers after she catches her breath. "You remind me of him so much, Thomas, but if you knew the whole story, you might not appreciate that."

"If you don't tell it, it may eat you up inside," Thomas offers, "But I will not pressure you to speak on it one way or another. I have no desire to put you through any more pain."

Wiping at her face with a free hand, Redmane smiles to Thomas, and says, "I've been advised to open my soul, so I shall. I already told you that I was captured by the sidhe once. There is more to the story than what I hinted at, though. Tir Na nOg is the homeland of the Fomarians - in a way, it is our god. While on its soil, we cannot die; if we fall in battle, we will wake up whole in a few hours. But when I fell one day, our position was overrun, and the sidhe took my body. So when I woke up, I was held by silver chains in a stone tower at one of their settlements. I roared and struggled until I was hoarse and sore, but I could not free myself."

Tom nods once. "I remember you telling me of the immortality you have on those lands, as well as being captured. I can also appreciate the struggle to free yourself; I've known a few times ... but they are not important. What you wish to tell me matters more, and I fear I already suspect I know part of the outcome," he admits.

"The sidhe would come to ask me questions, which often made no sense to me," Redmane continues, her eyes a bit distant. "It was frustrating, because they did not yell, or strike me when I spat at them. The just keep asking, and then they would leave me alone for days at a time before returning and asking more military questions that I couldn't answer. Eventually they stopped coming, and I was along for a long time."

Redmane pauses a moment to brush Thomas' unruly hair from his face. "Then a man came, unarmored. He told me his name was Keiran, and he brought me food and water. I'd almost forgotten about food since I'd been there."

Thomas nods. "They were not allowing you any form of victory. To allow your attempts to anger them to work would have improved your morale ... and that is the last thing a military group generally wants. Hopelessness and the breaking of a soul is the goal," the pale fey notes quietly as he continues to stroke the back of Redmane's neck. "But ... not everyone agrees with such tactics."

"He had to feed me by hand, because of my restraints. And he talked to me. He didn't ask me about armies and strategies, but about Fomarian life - about my life. He told me about the sidhe, and how the fey lived. He was a scholar. He would bring books, and try to teach me how to read. And then he explained that there was just enough common ground between our peoples that if we could intermix, we could coexist. I was pretty naive, Thomas. I didn't know what he was doing to me was rape, at the time. At least, at first. After awhile, he did things so that I began to enjoy it."

"Hmph," Thomas mutters a bit darkly. "He befriended you to sleep with you, then."

"He claimed a higher purpose to it," Redmane notes. "To bring our people together. But.. I never became pregnant. I'm not sure how much time had passed, for things change slowly the Undying Lands. It seemed a long time, maybe as long as one of your Years. Long after it was clear that a pairing would never work, he still came and talked to me, bathed me and fed me. And then.. I was left alone. again for a few days, before he came to me in the night, which he'd never done before."

"Did he release you?" Thomas asks.

"Yes," Redmane says, sounding.. distant. "He told me that wizard of the fey had come, and was going to use me to divine how our link to the land granted us immortality. Keiran said the man would do horrible things to me, and that he couldn't bear for that to happen. So he brought me a cloak to wear, and a map to show me where to find the closest Fomarian camp. He used a potion to put the guards to sleep, and he released my shackles..."

"And I snapped his neck as soon as he turned his back to me," Redmane finishes. "I never even thought about it. I killed the sleeping guards and everyone I came across, recovered my armor, and set the settlement on fire before leaving."

"I think he knew you would do that, Redmane," Thomas says, voice very neutral and calm.

"But, I didn't feel anything, Thomas," Redmane says, on the verge of tears again. "Not once. I found the Fomarians, and returned with them to Lyonesse to report to my father. But I'd been gone a long time, and Jarnsaxa had given him a son, Cythrawl, who was everything my father had wanted. A monster. I'd lain with a sidhe, so was not even useful as a sacrifice. So he just banished me, with nothing but the armor on my back, into the wilderness of the Drowned Lands."

"And that is why you came here? You had nowhere else to go?" Thomas asks. The comment on not feeling anything he doesn't address ... yet.

"I hadn't thought that far ahead," Redmane admits. "I was just numb. I found shelter in an old shrine, and noticed a fine steel blade on the altar. There was crack in the stone slab that I was able to wedge the blade into, so that it stuck up at an angle. And then I threw myself on it. Lyonesse is different - I could die there, I knew."

"You felt nothing inside because it was how you survived," Thomas says quietly as he resumes stroking the woman's neck. "Had you felt, you could not have fought in battle after battle; or survived interrogations. It was the only way you could survive through endless war. But .... it doesn't leave much of a life behind ... and I can understand why you would wish it to simply end."

"I did not feel, because Fomarians are just like that," Redmane notes. "They are not so different from wolves - and not these wolves, who are half fey. But I woke up again, with not even a scar on my chest. I was lying on the altar, and when I looked to the three-faced idol of Cerridwen it all came to me. All the feelings I should have had. It was crushing, Thomas. All that guilt. I could see how uncaring my own family had been to me, and how.. how I'd murdered the only man who ever showed me any kind of affection, maybe even loved me. I wanted to die all over again, my heart burned. It must have been what a fey would feel when I had pierced him with my sword."

"What you felt was worse. Physical pain is not the same as a wound in the soul," Thomas notes quietly. "And far harder to heal."

"Cerridwen whispered to me, and said it would get easier," Redmane says. "That I had been reborn, and if I would become her paladin then.. then one day, after I had removed as much evil from the world as I had inflicted, that I could be happy. Live as a woman, have children... all of the things that I would never have had in my previous life. And I agreed."

"And that is how I came to Mirari, after a long journey," the woman whispers. "I've killed fey along the way, if they were evil, but the first blood I drew with my sword was my own."

"How do you decide what is evil and what is not?" Thomas asks. "How do you judge?"

"Because I'm a paladin," Redmane notes. "Everone has some evil in them, of course, but only those who truly embrace it can I strike with my holy weapons."

"And has it gotten any easier?" Thomas asks next. "Coming to these lands and dealing with the issues here and the occasional agent of chaos, like me."

"When I saw you, I thought..." Redmane says, looking into Thomas' face. "I thought that I was being given a second chance. That his is where I would find my peace. It doesn't help that I can feel lonely now, but as long as one person accepts me, then I can survive."

Thomas smiles slightly as his head tilts and brow ripples once, an almost-shrug. "Well, that is one thing I suppose I am known for. Accepting others, regardless of where they are from and what they are. Too many horrible things have happened in the world simply because of some perceived 'difference'. Ultimately, we are all not so different," the fey says. "When I first met you, I never saw a monster. A mystery, yes, but not a monster. And though you were, and are beautiful; I wasn't seeking to bed you, either. What keeps me going throughout so many long and lonely days is learning and the chance of seeing new things."

"I enjoy new things also," Redmane claims. "This was my first time... unrestrained. Are their other, 'new' ways that you can accept me tonight?" she asks. "Keiran often accepted me multiple times.."

Thomas' eyes close for a moment. "That isn't quite what I meant by accepting someone. And, there are some things you should know about me," he admits. "I follow the flow of the wild and the winds. Unknown places call to me. I cannot promise that one day I will simply never return, Redmane. I live a dangerous life; there are never any certainties with me."

"I haven't asked you for any," Redmane points out, and kisses Thomas. "But when you are here, I would like to spend time with you."

"But ... are you prepared for how you will feel, Redmane?" Thomas asks quietly, then taps a finger lightly over her heart, "In here, when the word comes one day that I've been killed or lost? One thing I've never wanted to burden anyone with is sorrow when my time ends." He takes a breath, then ends with the question, "Am I worth that risk to you? Am I worth knowing the pain will come some day?"

"I don't know," Redmane answers. "But I too will die eventually. Isn't it better to share what life we can, and be happy a few times at least? You've told me about the pain of loss, but... I really don't understand it, I'm afraid. I've never loved anyone to be affected by losing them."

"Losing someone you loved goes beyond physical pain. It feels like someone cut away part of your soul," Thomas admits and looks towards the crumbling ceiling. "It feels like every part of your being wants to scream. Sometimes you rage and want to inflict what you feel on the world, just to get it out of you. You find yourself capable of evils beyond anything you may have ever imagined. I know what it felt like ... so I've never wanted anyone to feel that way when my time came. I just ... it's hard for me to let anyone close. It makes me a coward, I know."

Redmane presses her forehead to Thomas', and asks, "Do you worry about loving me then? I don't want to hurt you, Thomas. If you need me to be distant, I can try."

"Honestly? I don't know," Thomas admits with an apologetic smile. "Fears wish one thing and the heart wishes another. I haven't had a close friend in a very long time. I fill the void by always traveling, always moving and seeing ... but there are even nights when I want something as simple as someone to hold. Someone who would listen and not judge."

"Well, when those nights come upon you, you are welcome to visit me," Redmane promises. "I've never had a close friend before."

"Tell me some things you wish to do or see?" Thomas now asks. "Anything, even if it seems trivial or small. You've spent far too much of your life surviving and not living."

"Hmmm," Redmane thinks. "I want to see a waterfall that wasn't sculpted, and... children. I never saw children before leaving the Undying Lands. And horses running wild. Old places where people have lived forever, and new places nobody has been to."

"I want to see the things that inspire people to write poems," she concludes.

"You ask for simple things," Thomas comments as he brushes some of Redmane's hair away from her cheek. "Tell me, will you trust me to guide you? I know you wish to return to the Crown ... but will you permit a small detour in the journey?"

"I have to learn my way around this land if I am to defend it," Redmane reasons, and grins.

"And it may give you a chance to learn some things of me, perhaps," Thomas notes as he looks towards the ceiling again. "Though ... I must warn you to be wary of horses. I've known a few that can be ... stubborn and opinionated."

"Any horse can be broken to the saddle," Redmane claims. "Although I'd never try to do that to you, Thomas."

"There are some that cannot be broken," Thomas notes, then glances at Redmane oddly. "You also make me wonder what oddities those sidhe who held you enjoyed doing. Saddles, indeed."

"I mean that I would not try to tame you," Redmane says, with a roll of her eyes. "Besides, I can always try to hunt you down if you disappear, even if I'm not a wolf."

"You would find that a challenge," Thomas warns and taps Redmane's nose tip with a finger. "You should also know that there are many darker forces that work in Mirari, some ancient and dangerous. I suspect one of them may have been behind the return of that shadow."

"I'll expect you to introduce me to them," the woman says, sounding quite serious. "Show me where those of the darkness make their lairs."

"There are those that have eluded even me," Thomas notes and glowers momentarily. "But no matter, now is not the time to dwell on fighting things. Right now I would like to just ... relax." He twirls some of Redmane's hair, then teases, "And had you remained a wolf, well, that would have been a new way for you to be accepted..." His eyebrows waggle.

"Oh ho, indeed," Redmane chuckles. "When the season was right, you mean. Or do you mean to meet back here in the Spring, perhaps?"

"I mean what I mean," Thomas answers with an annoying playful smile.

"MMm-hmm," Redmane humms, her eyebrows raised. "And since wolves mate for life, should I take this a marriage proposal?"

"I'm just saying what could have been," Thomas says with a shrug.

"You said yourself that you need to be alone, and explore," Redmane notes. "You could not be a wolf and do that. So in time, you would no longer be Thomas," she points out. "I don't think I'd be as interested in a wolf like that," she teases.

"Ooo, one point for Redmane," Thomas notes with a grin, "Nicely countered."

Looking smug, Redmane says, "Besides, our friendship - or relationship, as it were - will need to remain known only to us. We could not allow our enemies to use it against us. And your position in the Hawks could be jeopardized."

"The Hawks would be nothing without me," Thomas claims, "I hold them together currently. I have yet to find anyone who would be an effective leader in my stead ... though I have a few options."

"You hold them together because of the admiration you inspire in them," Redmane notes. "You must remain neutral and uncorrupted. That could fall into question if you were thought to have a lover - one who you regularly must abandon to be about your quests. It would also lessen the romance of your role, I imagine."

"Some of them claim I am quite corrupted," Thomas counters with a grin. "But I will not argue the point."

Redmane grins, and taps Tom's nose this time. "Trust me about legends, Thomas. I come from the land of legends, after all. Legends and stories have great power. Power enough to keep you forever young. In Lyonesse, the mortals of legend lived on eternally, waiting until they were needed again. My jousting instructor was one Sir Lancelot du Lac, for instance."

"Who?" Thomas has to ask.

"Well, he was a very legendary knight in Britain," Redmane explains. "I could never unhorse him."

"Perhaps he was a centaur. You obviously couldn't remove him then," Thomas offers with a grin.

"He was a man," Redmane says, and pinches Thomas lightly for his jest. "My point is that legends don't die, Thomas. They might sleep or vanish until they're needed again is all. And you're already a legend in Mirari - which is young still, after all. So don't do anything to tarnish the legend."

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This site serves as a chronicle of sessions in an online roleplaying campaign moderated by Conrad "Lynx" Wong and May "Rowan" Wasserman. The contents of this site are (c) 2001, 2002 by Conrad Wong and May Wasserman except where stated otherwise. Despite the "children's fantasy" theme of this campaign, this site is not intended for young readership, due to mild language and violence.